Wounds

Short Story

I’m seven. I’m in the park. I’m hiding in bushes. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the women. The women in black. The colored man is nice to me. He acts like a friend. He makes me feel safe. I didn’t know that he was going to rape me. I didn’t know what rape is.

My mother wanted me to go to a new school. She said I needed to learn some stuff. I didn’t know why. She told me words to say to god. I didn’t know there was only one. And, hail Mary full of grapes… And I believe in one god father almighty… And our father who is in heaven… Art in heaven. She pinched me and smacked me until I could say the words by heart. It was hard to learn. I cried a lot.

The words to say were long. I didn’t know what they meant. I asked my mother. She just used other words to explain but I didn’t know those words either. She said that there was only one church and that there were churches all over the world. I didn’t understand. She spilled a little pastina out onto the kitchen window sill. I like pastina. Tiny stars. See. She held the box over the spilled stars. There are many churches but only one church. I still didn’t understand.

She took me on a long bus ride to a school building that looked like a castle. I was excited. I liked school. On the first day of kindergarten there had been a hurricane. She said I couldn’t go because of the storm. I begged my mother until she walked me the three bocks to the school. The wind was strong and broke her umbrella. We got very wet. The big black fence around the school was locked. We couldn’t go in. I was sad about that. At least I learned what a hurricane felt like.

The castle was my second grade. I liked to read. I looked up at the high high ceiling. It curved. The stairs were stone, not concrete. They were worn down a little in the middle. They were high and my mother dragged me up them. We sat on a bench in a hallway and waited for a while. The windows were colored with pictures in them. I couldn’t tell what the pictures were, except one angel. I knew what angels looked like.

We went into an office, in front of a big desk that I could barely see over. I said the our father and the hail Mary and I believe in one god. My mother said to the woman behind the desk. You can hit him if he doesn’t behave. That was the only thing I remember from the first time I was in that office. There were some papers. My mother signed. Then she went away and left me there. The woman said, brother, and waved to a man in a black suit.

He took me to a classroom. It was big with big windows. I saw dust in the air. Children were seated in rows of desks. Women all dressed in black uniforms were beating the children. The children were all crying. The women walked up and down the aisles whipping each child with the buckle end of a leather belt. Dust puffed up off each kid that was hit.

Were these kids bad kids? Was I bad? Was that why they wanted to put me here? I tried to back out of the room. The man in the black suit pushed me hard from behind. One of the women came and grabbed me. She said you sit here. She put me in a seat at the front. I heard the whip, cry, go on and on. I put my head down and gripped the desk.

One of the women said, what is the matter with you? I cried and she shook me. What is the matter. Are you going to hit me? No. No. Those children have been bad, not you. No. Don’t cry or you will be punished. I stopped crying. I was more afraid.

That’s all I remember until the next day.

My mother took me to the bus stop. She gave me a bus pass and told me not to lose it. She watched me get on the number 10 bus at 172nd street. The bus was crowded. I tried to wave to my mother, but the bus started and I couldn’t see her. When the bus stopped, I got off. It was 169th. I wasn’t going back to god’s castle.

I wandered back to my block. All the buildings on the block are connected. There is the first alley, second ally, third alley. Only the first alley gets a the. Second and third are just second and third. I don’t know why the first alley is different. They are all small. There is a big back yard where we play. There are tunnels and passageways underneath and through them. They are all connected.

I stay out of the big backyard. All the windows are there. Everyone can see you. My mother can see. I don’t go there. There are a lot of other staircases and places to hide. I hide.

I was hungry. I looked in the garbage. Some food was good, matzos. I saw a bottle of coke with some left in the bottom. I drank it. There was a cigarette butt in it. It was nasty. I stayed under the stairs until it was time to go home. I pretended that I was at school all day.

Next day was the same. But no food. I saw two men in the first alley. I watched them from the tunnel that leads to the stairs at the front of the building. It was not a good hiding place.

They yelled at each other. I don’t know what it was about. One man hit the other one. He pulled the other man’s shirt over his head and hit him till he fell down. I ran to the garbage room, and hid there until they went away.

Next day, I got off the bus and just walked to the park. It was a long walk, but I know the way. It was warm out. The sun was shining. I took off my jacket. There was a big field and I was hungry. I ate some grass. It was nasty, but I ate it anyway.

There was a man flying a toy airplane. It made a lot of noise. He spun round and round. He held it by a wire. It went up and down and looped until it crashed. He looked at me. I laid down flat until he went away.

In the future I will build models of aircraft and spacecraft. I will design model rockets and fly them. I will not have enough money to buy parts. I will have to make them from stuff I find in the garbage, except for the motors. I will ask my mother to buy them for me. My mother will say why are you wasting your time with that junk? I will save up and get them anyway.

Next day, I walked to the subway. I slipped under the bars and rode the train. I watched out the window. I saw Yankee Stadium. I got off at that stop. I could just see a bit of the field. No game was playing. I got on the next train and rode for a long time. When I got off I didn’t know where I was or how to get home. I was afraid. I started to cry.

A lady in a blue skirt knelt down beside me. Her shiny black shoes had gold buckles. She asked why I was alone. She asked where my parents were. I said I didn’t know where my father was, but my mom was at home. The lady was very nice, but I was afraid to go home. I told her an address. Not mine. One near mine. We got on the right train and she rode with me to my stop. She told me to go straight home, but I didn’t. She watched me walk to the exit.

She said your welcome. I never said thank you.

I hid in the basement until it school was over. I went home and my mom was in bed eating BBQ potato chips. She dipped into a cup of coke so they didn’t make a crunch sound. She was reading a book with a woman in a frilly dress and a man without a shirt on the cover. I was very hungry. My mother said didn’t they feed you at school? I made a ketchup sandwich with wonder bread. They feed you at school?

Next day, I went to the park again, and poked into garbage cans on the way. I looked into strange alleys. I was too afraid to go in them. At the park I found the playground. I went on the slide. I went on the swings a long time. I liked the swings. My hands hurt after a while and it wasn’t so much fun. My mother wanted to know how I hurt my hands. I said I fell. Who said you could hurt yourself? God punished you for something bad you did.

Next day was Saturday. I didn’t have to ride the bus. I didn’t think about the women. I went and got Vinnie and Okan and Ray and we played army. Okan’s from Turkey so he played the Germans. Ray is from Puerto Rico so he played American. I played American. We found sticks. We made gun noises with our mouths. No one died.

Vinnie had a ball. His parents have money. His father sells cars. They showed us their fancy new car. We played catch, but Vinnie got mad. He can’t catch too well because of his gimpy leg and arm. People said he was retarded, but Vinnie is very smart. I liked him. Ray made fun of him and I stayed. I wanted to play. I didn’t want to go home yet. Vinnie cursed us.

He called us dirty Jews. I’m not Jewish so I didn’t understand. Ray isn’t either. Why did he say that? Vinnie is Italian. I don’t know what Okan is but he prays a lot. Vinnie left and took the ball home with him. He lives in a different building. We stayed out until the sun went down.

In the future I will go to Boy Scout camp with Vinnie. Everyone will pick on him. Even the scoutmaster. I won’t like the scoutmaster. I will tell him to leave Vinnie alone. He will say what are you going to do? He will say you want to fight me? I will say leave Vinnie alone or I will.

He will say I can’t but you can fight Leon instead. I will fight Leon and take a beating while the whole troop laughs. Even Vinnie will laugh. Vinnie’s parents will come and pick him up the next day. I will have to stay. We will hike ten miles the next day. Vinnie wouldn’t have made that far it anyway.

On Sunday my mother dressed me up and took me to church. It was boring. She said that if I didn’t go, the women would punish me. Nuns are strict. That’s what you need. You are so smart. You just don’t behave. I don’t want you to waste your life like your father. I asked where my father was. Shush! You’re in church.

Next day I got raped.

The man saw me hiding in the bushes and started talking nice to me. He wanted to be my friend. What was I doing hiding there? Why wasn’t I in school? I told him about the nuns being mean. He said he hated nuns. I said yeah. You want to go on the swings? Yeah. He pushed me for a long time.

I got to go home. No. Hang out. Hang with me for a while. I want to show you something. I got some money. You want twenty dollars? Come on. I went with him into a building. It was like my building only instead of red bricks they were white. Down here. Under the stairs.

Lay down on your stomach. I do. The floor is dirty. I’m afraid my mother will spank me if I get it too dirty. She uses the belt sometimes. Like the women. She pulls my pants down sometimes to spank me. I feel him pull my pants down. He is talking about baseball. Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris and things I don’t understand about the game.

Is he spanking me? I don’t know. I don’t have words for what is happening. It hurts. I feel warm wet on my back. I lay there for a minute. Can I pull my pants up? I look back. He’s gone. I fix my pants and go out into the hallway. An old woman is there. She has teeth missing. She is bent over and has a cane. She asks if I live in the building. I say no and she yells and tells me to get out. I run back to my building and hide.

In the future I will not remember this day until I enter a circular orbit around Sag A at 3SR and see God. I won’t mention that day in the park to my crewmates. God will tell me things. I will not mention that to my crewmates either.

The next day I don’t go to the park. I walk to Yankee Stadium. It is a long walk. There is no game. I see tiles in the street that spell out Babe Ruth. I saw a movie about him on TV. I wish I could play like him. I wish I had a real baseball. I used Vinnie’s baseball glove once. I wanted to steal it. Yankee Stadium is so tall. I bend my neck hard to see the top. I walk towards the gate.

I smell cotton candy and see a pushcart, but there is a cop there. I don’t have any money anyway. I turn around and walk down a shady street. The street curves and turns and I think I am lost. I walk uphill until I reach the concourse. It takes me a long time to get home.

Vinnie sees me. Where you been? I say school. He says no you ain’t. I am afraid he will tell mom. I say on Saturday I will take him to Yankee Stadium if he doesn’t. He says okay.

Mom is in bed. She gives me a dollar. Go to the candy store and get me a lime ricky. Come back quick. Don’t want it to be flat. And I want change. I run around the corner and buy the drink. It is very hot out. I buy myself a penny candy and a seltzer. I am so thirsty. I drink it down quick. I walk up the hill. I can’t breath. I wake up with people looking down at me. They have no bodies, just heads.

In the future, I will confess to my high school math teacher that I want to be an astronaut. You want advanced calculus? He will get me into his class. I will get b minus grades, but he will give me an a. He will say it’s important to work harder and you will get there. I will work harder. I will get there.

The next day I hide in the laundry room in the basement. There is a lot of junk that I can hide under. I hear my mother calling. It is dusty. I try not to cough. She is very angry. She knows that I didn’t go to school. I listen to her voice. She goes to each alley shouting my name over and over. I squeeze into a dark corner under a table.

She is coming nearer and nearer. I don’t want to be cornered. I run out into the big back yard alley. She sees me. She is screaming. Don’t make me run. If I have to run I will beat you black and blue. Come here now. I am faster than her but I’m too afraid to run.

I go to her and she smacks me hard. She drags me to the bus stop. We ride to the castle. She hands me to one of the women. Her black skirt is short not like the others and her hair is only half covered. Is she a nun?

She grips my arm hard and my mother leaves. I scream for her not to leave me. The woman drags me to the office. There are three other women there. Their dresses are long. They have big crosses of Jesus around their necks. Their black hoods squeeze their faces.

They make me stand and they look down at me. A man in a brown suit comes in. His brown shoes are shiny. He shows me a badge. He says that playing hooky is a crime. I have to go to school. If I don’t they will take me away from my parents. I will never see them again. We’ll send you to reform school upstate. I don’t know where that is. I don’t care where that Is.

Please. Please, no. Don’t take me away. Please don’t. Please! I’ll be good. I’ll be good. I won’t do it again. Please. You don’t have to take me away. I don’t want to go to form school. What do you want me to do? Anything. Anything! I fall down on my stomach. I cry and scream. No! No! Please!

In the future, I will never play hooky again. I will wonder which rape was worse. I will hate school. But I will work hard. I will teach myself. I will become an astronaut. I will see the face of god at Sagittarius A*.

God will speak to me.

She will say you’re welcome.